meh.

I've been better.  

Or have I?  I don't know that I've been realer.  And realer, for me, is definitely much feelier.  Sometimes feelier is more blissful than ever; sometimes, it's a new kind of pain.

I've been taking in some time on my own.  Lots of time.  Lots of feelings.

According to my little Twelve steppy buddies, it's a time that my hp will fill the sense of emptiness that's taken up residence the past few months- and maybe I had only had a bandage on it all these years anyways?

No matter how long (18 months?) it had been since divorce decisions were made, going through the actual process brought it all back.  It started around Januaryish, and then really REALLY started in February.  It's not about him; it's about the me who I thought I was.  In a way, it's my own coming of age to the fact that our most carefully laid plans are fragile and maybe even not what we really want anyways.  Deep down, I know that realization is a great liberation; my human ego often forgets.   I've been at least 10 percent less sane most days since then.  My faith has wavered up to 50 percent.  Not to mention that it was inconvenient timing in every way- for my ego, that is.  Smartypants Ram Dass might call it fierce grace:

"I used to be afraid of things like strokes, but I've discovered that the fear of the stroke was worse than the stroke itself...  What has changed through the stroke was my attachment to the ego.  The stroke was unbearable to the Ego, and so it pushed me into the Soul level, because when you "bear the unbearable," something within you dies.  My identity flipped over, and I said, "So that's who I am- I'm a soul!"  I ended up where looking at the world from the Soul level is my ordinary, everyday state.  And that's grace.  That's almost the definition of grace.  And so that's why, although  from the Ego's perspective the stroke is not much fun, from the Soul's perspective it's been a great learning opportunity.  When you're secure in the soul, what's to fear?"  

I'd like to think that what feels scary is the fierce grace of my hp choosing growth for me that my ego would never touch. 

I'd like to remember that on meh days.  Like today.  Meh.